What Women Want?

I am twenty six years old.  I have two children and will soon have my divorce finalized.  I have never been a single adult....until now.  I had always known that regular vanilla sex had left me feeling unfulfilled. There was more I just knew it.  So when you figure out what the "more" is you want it.  You want it badly.  Then you get a taste of it.  Now you would think when one has gotten what they had strove to obtain for such a long time they would be satisfied. Like many of submissive or just kinkier people in general know there is no going back.  You have been left with the insatiable craving and need for something sexually that you must have, or it is not enough.

I was at a friend's home the other evening for dinner and drinks and he jokingly had turned the television to the science channel.  The show was the "The Science of Sex." We got a good giggle out of it at first and continued our conversation until I had heard something on the television about how women unintentionally have urges to commit infidelity during ovulation.  A woman may choose a spouse who is less dominant and has more feminine qualities: friendly, better parenting skills, and so forth (the beta). On the other hand when she is ovulating she may be drawn to a more dominant male.  She wants someone who is strong and masculine (the alpha) for the sake of making sure her children are strong for survival.  They did reiterate the fact that the woman is more than likely unaware of why she is so attracted to another person than her husband.

I was fascinated by this.  I stood there for a minute pondering my feelings and attraction for my ex-husband versus those I had for my friend.  I was not attracted to hubby physically like I am my friend.  Hubby didn't like kinky sex.  He didn't ever like to assert any sort of authority except to throw a tantrum to get his way.  He wanted to be taken care of.   As I'm assessing my friends physical attributes (who is taller, leaner, and more vibrant) I realized I was that woman they spoke about on the television program.  I had chosen a mate that made my day to day easier on a superficial level never stopping and considering if it was enough.  

I looked down at my friends hands and considered how much they turned me on.  They were bigger and masculine, a lot bigger than mine (I'm five foot ten inches, the average size of the American male, so I guess it makes me feel more feminine to be reminded that he's bigger and stronger). I wanted his hands on me, holding me down, and spanking me.  I wanted him to man handle me.  I had wanted that from hubby at one time, but I never truly believed he could be that man. He knew he was not that either.  He had joked a lot during our marriage that in my circle of friends I was the "alpha female" or "pack leader."  Alas, I was right and now I am in search of my "more masculine mate."

To your question did he put his hands on me? Spank me? Torture me into submission? Make it hurt so good? Leave me lying there completely thoughtless and sated? Well that's a story for a different time.  

I laughed so hard when I saw this.  Just sharing some humor.

Originality

I was pondering the many arguments I have had with the opposite sex in my life and came to the conclusion about the more insecure weaker sort of man.  I have a tendency to over analyze everything in my life.  I will replay an incident in my head over and over again.  I imagine how the scenario could have better benefited me and purposes were it approached from a different angle, or even by choosing my words more carefully.  This way I can assess my doing in a situation and decide if I need to do damage control. 

Veering back on topic I had a disagreement with a gentleman I had been seeing.  (No this is not my friend that I speak about.) I am completely over the situation with him but since there has been a long history between us I thought I could salvage at least some form of friendship.  I'm realizing now that men can be just as vindictive as women are portrayed.  (Warning: I can be very nasty and very cold when backed into a corner.  The submissive switch is no where in sight and you might want to take cover.)

So in the midst of this would be "discussion" I had finally had enough of the name calling and I actually stayed calm, not slinging insults.  So I asked, in a voice completely devoid of emotion, that he not call me again for a while.  So why I am replaying this conversation over and over? AND why am I so bothered by it that I have to write about it? This gentleman and I were friends at one point and he was a confidante to some of my thoughts and privy to conversations (fights) I had with my ex-husband. 

Was he angry or just merely hurt at my request that he not speak to me for a long while?  "Have fun being miserable and alone." Now I do not know whether to credit these words to my exhusband or the gentleman, but I'm quite positive these words were said by the former long before the latter.  Which I had informed the latter of in a rant at one point this summer. The words did not hurt me when they were spoken by the former, they enraged me.  One, for thinking that I'm so pathetic I could not be happy with myself and be alone, and secondly, for thinking I'm so weak minded that his words spoken in anger would carry any weight with me. 

No, the problem lies with not only the fact the gentleman lacks originality, but that he too assumed this would hurt my feelings.  I am realizing now that each of them in their own ways are incredibly immature or insecure. The gentleman, however, is worse I think. Using another mans material to lash out in anger to hurt me? It shows his lack of regard for my feelings from the start.  Instead of getting angry when he said this to me  I said good-bye.  Why be vindictive if someone hasn't actually done anything to you?

I think I might choose men whose will is lesser to mine to control situations around me.  I then realize no matter how great their redeeming qualities are, they are not what I need.  I then end up ranting about it on a blog knowing good and well had I just went with my gut feelings in the beginning none of this would have happened.  Either way moving along. 

I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving.  I'm down to crunch time in school and won't be posting as often since I have exams.  Not to mention the holidays coming up.  Oh woe is me.

Denied and In Denial

I think that being brought to the brink of climax and being denied is probably the worst sort of torment. So what about a situation that you have been teased repeatedly and you are gradually becoming more and more aroused? Each of those times you are being brought closer to completion but it stops each time a little closer to it? You think each of these times, "Maybe this is it. Maybe he will let me finish this time." No he becomes more sadistic and takes the teasing up a notch with a better foray of pleasure.

You're thinking okay maybe this time right? I started with my clothes on the kitchen and the next thing I know... I'm naked from the waste down with his head between my legs on the back of his car in the garage and the door is open. Where everyone and God could see me in this state of dishevel. I could not have cared less either. I might have cared an hour before this game of red light green light.

It progresses to where I know it's just a second away, and I can barely able to keep myself up for the shaking and the pleasure. I was so close, it was about to happen. Then I'm ripped put of my haze, taken off my perch. DENIED! again! (I'm sure it goes without saying while we are together he will not let me finish it myself)

On this encounter I was completely sated repeatedly a little later in the evening.

The following encounter was a lot shorter for us.  As we both had things to do.  To make a long story short I was teased and denied again, but this time there was no grand finale. I finally talked to him that evening and I asked why he was so mean and he replied, "I don't want you to think you will be spoiled every time."

WTF

As him and I have never discussed TTWD.  There has never been any mention or reference to the vernaculars in conversations between us.  I had a chat with a friend last night about this and he said I was up against a mental sadist and he had me just where he wanted me.  As you know the name of this blog is "Control: Reluctantly Letting Go." This game of cat and mouse between him and I has went on mentally and physically for months and by months I mean 6.  I had just assumed the progression of the intensity of our sporadic liaisons was that he had learned what I wanted. Am I wrong here? Was he this way from the beginning? Either way I have let a orgasm denying monster into my midst.

OR

Could this just be me having hard time of realizing I am not in control? I might be getting what I want sexually, but I still do not trust another individual with that much mental hold over me? Am I still trying to control every aspect and feeling I have for another? I do not understand what this relationship is.  I could handle this better were the parameters of it made clear.  Are we friends with benefits? or Has he went about a covert mission to completely screw with my head?  Is this just amusement to him? I do not know.  Which is why I lay these questions at your feet.

I had to take a hiatus from blogger land for some personal reasons, but I'm back now! This summer has been extremely eventful.  My "mister" and I parted ways in June due to distance and lack of time to put forth into our relationship.  We are still great friends and talk regularly (Too bad I cannot say the same for my estranged soon to be ex-husband).  Yea there is most definitely a story there but that's for another time and probably a whole other blog! 

I ventured out into single life at first with caution.  Then I took to it like a duck to water. My girlfriends and I called this the summer of singles since we all were recently single.  In hindsight I can see how this was a recipe for disaster.  Now as crazy as it sounds I used to complain about how my ex was not assertive enough, but he did keep me grounded.  I knew how I should act while being his wife in public with or without him.  I don't have that anymore.  

The name of this blog is "Control: Reluctantly Letting Go" through the events that happened in my life since April I can honestly say I have no control over anything except myself.  I read back through my old posts and laughed.  What a naive person I was.  So this blog is taking a new direction, much much more happy one. I am still on my search for the "perfect" Dom but this  go around I have the luxury of being picky.  My life is crazier now than I ever thought possible, and in the midst of all this chaos I'm smiling.  This is my journey, I hope you enjoy!

Keep a lookout for my next post... I promise it will be insightful and if not at least absolutely hilarious!   

He told me too...

Mister and I usually just enjoy our time and conversations together whether it be over the phone or via webcam.  We converse like regular "vanilla" couples.  Our D/s relationship is usually but not confined to text and email in between seeing each other.  So when we were Skyping I had asked him to hold on a minute for me to get a light.  He told me to get the pins while I was at it.  Yes those very same pins from previously.  If you do not know I'm new to the pins and I have a love/hate relationship with them.

Him telling me this excited me and startled me considering he had never previously asked me to do something like this over a webcam.  I just assumed this "part" was saved for in person.  WRONG!

I'm sitting there playing with the pins on my finger tips and being silly... like always.  He's laughing and joking along until his voice changed.  I know that voice and pointed stare, so silly me was no more.  He had my full attention.  I do not think a detailed play by play is in order so I'll sum it up:

Play with your nipples
...
Good now twist them like I would
...
Put the pins on
...
Are you wet yet?
...yes sir.
Good take the pins off and play with yourself
...

My eyes are closed, and I am completely enjoying myself.  He also cannot see what I am actually doing down there.

"I'm going to come"

STOP!!!
...

Stop? I blinked.  This is the first time he has ever made me stop.  I did though... immediately.  I did not like it and I know my face betrayed my feelings.

I want to see
...

So I got up took my shorts off and got in a position so he could have better visual access.  He told me to finish....and I did.  I said thank you and we went back to conversing like nothing happened.

He commands, I listen.  How did I feel about this particular occasion? At first I was shy, because I had NEVER done anything of the sort over the internet.  Secondly I was excited because it was different and new.  Finally, sated because coming for him is a lot better than just coming.

Curiosity Killed the Cat

When I started this journey with my very special Mister.  I had a long list of things I thought I would find disagreeable.  Over the course of our time together I am starting to see that these "oh so distressing" acts are not so bad after all.  My limits are obviously coming down.  Not that I have told him no specifically because I would not, but he knows if I do find something not to my liking.

A while back I was informed of an assignment.  I had to find eight pictures related to D/s. Four I liked and four I did not care for.  I had to write why I did or did not like the photographs.  One of these photographs I found completely disagreeable was this:

I had a complete aversion to clothespins.  Maybe it was my obsession with all things needing to be pretty and they just seemed so rustic.  I do know my answer to why was that it looked demeaning.  

Yesterday, like any typical day, we keep in touch through text.  I sent him a picture of a paint stir stick (i think that's what they are called anyway) and four clothes pins on it. These "harmless" objects were just craft supplies.  Here is how our conversation went:

Mister: Shows what's your mind

Me: What's on my mind then Mister? 

Me: These things really aren't that bad 

Me: I take it back!!! 

Mister: Did you put it on your nipple?

Me: Yes sir.  You know curiosity gets the better of me sometimes

Mister: Lmao now take a picture

Now the difference between me not being able to stand them for 1/10 of a second and keeping them on long enough to take a picture is that I knew it made him happy.  Who am I to put limitations on something that is his? 

Eventually I was griping about how bad it hurt and blah blah blah.  But he had asked me why I did it in the first place.  I said because I could tell you liked it.  This is what he said:

Mister: So say it... "I would take it for you if that's what you wanted"

Me: I would take it for you if that's what you wanted

He always has patience and just lets me find myself.  I'm starting to think he's like a spider.  Biding his time, waiting patiently until I have become exactly what he needs.  Then I think that's when the fun will really begin with him.  

Spring Time Blues

I am finding out in life there are many types of loneliness.  When I was married I was lonely from the neglect of my husband whether it be intimately or emotionally.  Now that he is no longer physically in my home I am now a different sort of lonely.  I do not crave the emotional aspects of a relationship with him, but I do find myself at night wishing he were here just to share a moment or laugh at something we would both find entertaining.  

My Sassy Mouth

My soon to be ex-husband might tell you I'm a bitch, sociopath, manipulative, hurtful, down right mean, and that my words not only sting but can cut.  Hey what can I say I have a sassy mouth and I can be hurtful when provoked.  I learned today (I wasn't provoked in this instance I was just pushing and not realizing it) that some people don't come back and fight fire with fire.  They do the logical thing and put the fire out with water.  They are also not amused by antics.

I had always been able to justify the worst parts of my personality and actions because they were done right back to me.  After I had been given a set down, I felt remorse.  Remorse? I have this in me? I was pouting and felt like a heel.  So I did what was right.  Not just right in the ways of my moral compass, but common human decency. *GASP* I apologized. This is a new development in my personality. Since I usually only say sorry when there is a "but I told you so" right after it.

The part that is so conflicting in my mind is that I liked being told what to do, and how my bad behavior was not going to be put up with.  This conflicts with my outward personality "Don't tell me what to do."  Not buying into my ways and taking the high road may ultimately lead me to be a better person.  We shall see ....

Oh how the mighty have fallen at just a few words.

When Fantasy Becomes a Reality

Him and I just click and seem to have this understanding of each other that I have never had with anyone else.  You guessed it he's the D to my s.  Now as we had corresponded for quite some time, long before things had even came to a mutual attraction, he was my confidante.  So he knows the things about me that I tell no one.  He knows what a dirty little mind I have, but I do not think he really knew how bad I wanted this. I think he thought I had an idea and that idea turned me on, but what when fantasy becomes reality? Just because the thought of a man dominating you in every way turns you on doesn't necessarily mean you will like it when he's spanking your ass.  (I mean this from a beginners point of view as I am completely new to this)

Was I apprehensive in my approach to this? Yes.  What smart girl wouldn't be? Was I nervous? Very.  Did I finally get past the nerves and apprehension to finally see the person I became so attached too? Yes.

So to tell you that when my fantasy became my reality it was so much more than what I wanted in my head.  I became so much more.  I couldn't really truly see myself begging anyone for anything.  But there I was, at the point of tears for him to keep doing things to me that might make another person blush.  To be honest I think it shocked him for he knew I was new to this.  He firmly but gently put me in my new found subspace.  What a place it is! Everything that I can never let go of, everything that keeps me up at night was gone.  It was just pure bliss.  I had never wanted to give so much to another individual like this.  Whatever he wanted, I wanted.  I trusted his judgement and trusted him with me.  I have never been able to do that with someone.  

I learned also this, all of this, is more than just kink.  There is devotion, affection, trust, and the kink.

Thank you Mr. Wonderful xoxo

Also this gal has developed a natural affinity to spanking.  

Reassurance

She was sitting there thinking about how awkward she felt with her hands and feet restrained with all of her most private parts bared to the world. He had her blind folded, and she was scared to ask what he was doing. Since they began this she always wanted to ask "why" or "what for" but for some tiny reason she just did not dare.  She felt so exposed and extremely insecure about herself down there.  Then she felt him come near her and he gave her a fast hard kiss on the lips.  

He stood there beside her and said, "You know how beautiful you look right now?" 

She only shook her head no.  He was touching the contours of her body ever so softly and not saying a word.  She had goose bumps all over and she was getting so wet.  She was scared it would show the way she was positioned. 

"Don't worry dear its a natural thing for you to get wet for me.  After all I want you wet and wanting," he said in her ear as he rubbed his fingers up and down her slit.  This was the first time she had ever done anything like this.  She felt herself cowering but steeled herself, and knew that she wanted to see this through.  So she just asked him, "What are you going to do?" 

He laughed and walked away from her.  Not an evil laugh, just a laugh that was hiding something.  "Do you remember our conversation a few weeks ago when you said you had always wondered what a riding crop would feel like down there?....  Yes, I can see that you do." She could now hear him rummaging through his things.  She knew it was sassy but she felt like she needed to reiterate what she had actually said, "I said I wondered and didn't necessarily want to try it. I just was curious as to what it felt like.  I don't want you to actually hurt me and I'm scared a riding crop will hurt." 

"I know you really want me to do this or you wouldn't have ever brought it up. You should know by now I would never hurt you.  You do trust me right?"

She only nodded her head.  

"I promise you're really going to enjoy this."

She tensed up knowing it was coming and then it happened.  Were it not for the restraints she would have came off the bed from the shock of it.  There was pain, but a good type of pain.  It felt like cold fire.  It was warm and then it cooled, but the intensity stayed.  This was amazing.  He kept doing it with just enough force to make her squirm and she was so wet that it was dripping now.  

Her breathing was heavy.  She had never been so aroused in her life and then he just stopped.  She could hear herself whining and begging for him not to leave her like that.  She had been reduced to begging, but this was what she wanted.  The torture of not knowing what was next was the most arousing part.

He had been very patient with her over their time getting to know one another.  He never pushed too much because he knew she would get frightened an run.  Never had he made demands of her that she wasn't ready for. He always knew how to sooth her fears. He seemed to enjoy watching her find her own submission. 

He was just wonderful.  

He crawled between her legs and kissed the inside of both of her thighs.  

"Shh...Now I'm going to make it all better." 

At Peace

I have traveled such a long rocky road this last year.  It's funny my life may be in more disarray than before but I am at peace with the way life is turning out.  It's amazing how someone like myself can just be fine with the chaos.  Walking away from something you have dedicated yourself too for years can be both the easiest and most difficult decision.  Out of sheer stubbornness I thought I could will something to what I wanted.  People don't work that way, and even if they did it would not be fair. Now I guess I will actually start my journey through this life.  I've come to see that I have not been living, I have been existing.  It's time to find myself and just be happy.  I don't think feeling sorry for myself is going to fix anything.  I do, however, know that I have a lot of adjusting to do.  Who knows maybe (gasp) it will actually be interesting.

Growing Pains

I can see you in my heart and smile
But can no longer look at you and see your own

I knew you when you were happy
Now I wake beside a lonely stranger

There was once and innocent niave love
In its place now resides a cold indifference

For a moment in time I couldn't live without you
Now with a heavy heart I have let you go

I can see you in my heart and smile
I only wish to look at you and see it again

Change

Over the holidays I took a break....from everything.  Then school started back and the mess that comes with being a mother/student took over.  Well now everything in that department is as it should be.  I realized something while my husband was out of work for three weeks and was at home with me until he started his new job.  Marriage definitely changes people.  Especially if you were married young like we were.  Your twenties are typically for growing and learning blah blah blah and then you grow up, get a big boy/girl job, marry, then come the 2.5 children, and the house with the picket fence.  Well there are those who end up foregoing their growing experience for changing diapers cramming school and taking care of a family.  I'm the latter.

Veering back on topic my husband and I were in bed chatting one night and I said something about how different we were from when we were 19.  We're both 25 now and thinking that six years isn't a big difference is wrong.  I had been raised to stand my ground and be independent from a man and my husband was raised to be the man of the house and his wife to defer to him.  I literally snicker as I write this.  We have butted heads since day one, however, during this adjustment period a little of our views rubbed off on the other.  So now we're at a stand still scared to make a move towards the direction we want our marriage to go.  Pride may have a huge part in it.  Do I, a forward thinking female, want to say, "hubby will you please take me in hand when I need it?" Does he, after years of hearing me rant and rave over how I am equal, want to disrupt this bland albeit comfortable partnership we have finally accomplished?

And you may be thinking how I should just talk to him about this.  Broaching this subject is not easy and the many times I try we are both left confused and frustrated.  Then we go back to our comfortable existence like it was never talked about.  But when I am in a horrible mood snapping at everyone in my line of sight I see his irritation and him wanting to set me straight, but instead he says snide comments to get my ire up.  Compared to four to five years ago he would have fought me and we would have had incredible make up sex.  My my my how that has changed.  We walk away from each other without speaking and go about our own personal business like roommates.

My marriage is slowly sinking and I have no idea what do or say.  I'm scared I will wake up one morning and we will both have the same thought of "whats the point?" I need ... WE need some change.