Over the holidays I took a break....from everything. Then school started back and the mess that comes with being a mother/student took over. Well now everything in that department is as it should be. I realized something while my husband was out of work for three weeks and was at home with me until he started his new job. Marriage definitely changes people. Especially if you were married young like we were. Your twenties are typically for growing and learning blah blah blah and then you grow up, get a big boy/girl job, marry, then come the 2.5 children, and the house with the picket fence. Well there are those who end up foregoing their growing experience for changing diapers cramming school and taking care of a family. I'm the latter.
Veering back on topic my husband and I were in bed chatting one night and I said something about how different we were from when we were 19. We're both 25 now and thinking that six years isn't a big difference is wrong. I had been raised to stand my ground and be independent from a man and my husband was raised to be the man of the house and his wife to defer to him. I literally snicker as I write this. We have butted heads since day one, however, during this adjustment period a little of our views rubbed off on the other. So now we're at a stand still scared to make a move towards the direction we want our marriage to go. Pride may have a huge part in it. Do I, a forward thinking female, want to say, "hubby will you please take me in hand when I need it?" Does he, after years of hearing me rant and rave over how I am equal, want to disrupt this bland albeit comfortable partnership we have finally accomplished?
And you may be thinking how I should just talk to him about this. Broaching this subject is not easy and the many times I try we are both left confused and frustrated. Then we go back to our comfortable existence like it was never talked about. But when I am in a horrible mood snapping at everyone in my line of sight I see his irritation and him wanting to set me straight, but instead he says snide comments to get my ire up. Compared to four to five years ago he would have fought me and we would have had incredible make up sex. My my my how that has changed. We walk away from each other without speaking and go about our own personal business like roommates.
My marriage is slowly sinking and I have no idea what do or say. I'm scared I will wake up one morning and we will both have the same thought of "whats the point?" I need ... WE need some change.
