Tuesday, November 27, 2012

What Women Want?

I am twenty six years old.  I have two children and will soon have my divorce finalized.  I have never been a single adult....until now.  I had always known that regular vanilla sex had left me feeling unfulfilled. There was more I just knew it.  So when you figure out what the "more" is you want it.  You want it badly.  Then you get a taste of it.  Now you would think when one has gotten what they had strove to obtain for such a long time they would be satisfied. Like many of submissive or just kinkier people in general know there is no going back.  You have been left with the insatiable craving and need for something sexually that you must have, or it is not enough.

I was at a friend's home the other evening for dinner and drinks and he jokingly had turned the television to the science channel.  The show was the "The Science of Sex." We got a good giggle out of it at first and continued our conversation until I had heard something on the television about how women unintentionally have urges to commit infidelity during ovulation.  A woman may choose a spouse who is less dominant and has more feminine qualities: friendly, better parenting skills, and so forth (the beta). On the other hand when she is ovulating she may be drawn to a more dominant male.  She wants someone who is strong and masculine (the alpha) for the sake of making sure her children are strong for survival.  They did reiterate the fact that the woman is more than likely unaware of why she is so attracted to another person than her husband.

I was fascinated by this.  I stood there for a minute pondering my feelings and attraction for my ex-husband versus those I had for my friend.  I was not attracted to hubby physically like I am my friend.  Hubby didn't like kinky sex.  He didn't ever like to assert any sort of authority except to throw a tantrum to get his way.  He wanted to be taken care of.   As I'm assessing my friends physical attributes (who is taller, leaner, and more vibrant) I realized I was that woman they spoke about on the television program.  I had chosen a mate that made my day to day easier on a superficial level never stopping and considering if it was enough.  

I looked down at my friends hands and considered how much they turned me on.  They were bigger and masculine, a lot bigger than mine (I'm five foot ten inches, the average size of the American male, so I guess it makes me feel more feminine to be reminded that he's bigger and stronger). I wanted his hands on me, holding me down, and spanking me.  I wanted him to man handle me.  I had wanted that from hubby at one time, but I never truly believed he could be that man. He knew he was not that either.  He had joked a lot during our marriage that in my circle of friends I was the "alpha female" or "pack leader."  Alas, I was right and now I am in search of my "more masculine mate."

To your question did he put his hands on me? Spank me? Torture me into submission? Make it hurt so good? Leave me lying there completely thoughtless and sated? Well that's a story for a different time.  

I laughed so hard when I saw this.  Just sharing some humor.


I was pondering the many arguments I have had with the opposite sex in my life and came to the conclusion about the more insecure weaker sort of man.  I have a tendency to over analyze everything in my life.  I will replay an incident in my head over and over again.  I imagine how the scenario could have better benefited me and purposes were it approached from a different angle, or even by choosing my words more carefully.  This way I can assess my doing in a situation and decide if I need to do damage control. 

Veering back on topic I had a disagreement with a gentleman I had been seeing.  (No this is not my friend that I speak about.) I am completely over the situation with him but since there has been a long history between us I thought I could salvage at least some form of friendship.  I'm realizing now that men can be just as vindictive as women are portrayed.  (Warning: I can be very nasty and very cold when backed into a corner.  The submissive switch is no where in sight and you might want to take cover.)

So in the midst of this would be "discussion" I had finally had enough of the name calling and I actually stayed calm, not slinging insults.  So I asked, in a voice completely devoid of emotion, that he not call me again for a while.  So why I am replaying this conversation over and over? AND why am I so bothered by it that I have to write about it? This gentleman and I were friends at one point and he was a confidante to some of my thoughts and privy to conversations (fights) I had with my ex-husband. 

Was he angry or just merely hurt at my request that he not speak to me for a long while?  "Have fun being miserable and alone." Now I do not know whether to credit these words to my exhusband or the gentleman, but I'm quite positive these words were said by the former long before the latter.  Which I had informed the latter of in a rant at one point this summer. The words did not hurt me when they were spoken by the former, they enraged me.  One, for thinking that I'm so pathetic I could not be happy with myself and be alone, and secondly, for thinking I'm so weak minded that his words spoken in anger would carry any weight with me. 

No, the problem lies with not only the fact the gentleman lacks originality, but that he too assumed this would hurt my feelings.  I am realizing now that each of them in their own ways are incredibly immature or insecure. The gentleman, however, is worse I think. Using another mans material to lash out in anger to hurt me? It shows his lack of regard for my feelings from the start.  Instead of getting angry when he said this to me  I said good-bye.  Why be vindictive if someone hasn't actually done anything to you?

I think I might choose men whose will is lesser to mine to control situations around me.  I then realize no matter how great their redeeming qualities are, they are not what I need.  I then end up ranting about it on a blog knowing good and well had I just went with my gut feelings in the beginning none of this would have happened.  Either way moving along. 

I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving.  I'm down to crunch time in school and won't be posting as often since I have exams.  Not to mention the holidays coming up.  Oh woe is me.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Denied and In Denial

I think that being brought to the brink of climax and being denied is probably the worst sort of torment. So what about a situation that you have been teased repeatedly and you are gradually becoming more and more aroused? Each of those times you are being brought closer to completion but it stops each time a little closer to it? You think each of these times, "Maybe this is it. Maybe he will let me finish this time." No he becomes more sadistic and takes the teasing up a notch with a better foray of pleasure.

You're thinking okay maybe this time right? I started with my clothes on the kitchen and the next thing I know... I'm naked from the waste down with his head between my legs on the back of his car in the garage and the door is open. Where everyone and God could see me in this state of dishevel. I could not have cared less either. I might have cared an hour before this game of red light green light.

It progresses to where I know it's just a second away, and I can barely able to keep myself up for the shaking and the pleasure. I was so close, it was about to happen. Then I'm ripped put of my haze, taken off my perch. DENIED! again! (I'm sure it goes without saying while we are together he will not let me finish it myself)

On this encounter I was completely sated repeatedly a little later in the evening.

The following encounter was a lot shorter for us.  As we both had things to do.  To make a long story short I was teased and denied again, but this time there was no grand finale. I finally talked to him that evening and I asked why he was so mean and he replied, "I don't want you to think you will be spoiled every time."


As him and I have never discussed TTWD.  There has never been any mention or reference to the vernaculars in conversations between us.  I had a chat with a friend last night about this and he said I was up against a mental sadist and he had me just where he wanted me.  As you know the name of this blog is "Control: Reluctantly Letting Go." This game of cat and mouse between him and I has went on mentally and physically for months and by months I mean 6.  I had just assumed the progression of the intensity of our sporadic liaisons was that he had learned what I wanted. Am I wrong here? Was he this way from the beginning? Either way I have let a orgasm denying monster into my midst.


Could this just be me having hard time of realizing I am not in control? I might be getting what I want sexually, but I still do not trust another individual with that much mental hold over me? Am I still trying to control every aspect and feeling I have for another? I do not understand what this relationship is.  I could handle this better were the parameters of it made clear.  Are we friends with benefits? or Has he went about a covert mission to completely screw with my head?  Is this just amusement to him? I do not know.  Which is why I lay these questions at your feet.

Friday, September 28, 2012

I had to take a hiatus from blogger land for some personal reasons, but I'm back now! This summer has been extremely eventful.  My "mister" and I parted ways in June due to distance and lack of time to put forth into our relationship.  We are still great friends and talk regularly (Too bad I cannot say the same for my estranged soon to be ex-husband).  Yea there is most definitely a story there but that's for another time and probably a whole other blog! 

I ventured out into single life at first with caution.  Then I took to it like a duck to water. My girlfriends and I called this the summer of singles since we all were recently single.  In hindsight I can see how this was a recipe for disaster.  Now as crazy as it sounds I used to complain about how my ex was not assertive enough, but he did keep me grounded.  I knew how I should act while being his wife in public with or without him.  I don't have that anymore.  

The name of this blog is "Control: Reluctantly Letting Go" through the events that happened in my life since April I can honestly say I have no control over anything except myself.  I read back through my old posts and laughed.  What a naive person I was.  So this blog is taking a new direction, much much more happy one. I am still on my search for the "perfect" Dom but this  go around I have the luxury of being picky.  My life is crazier now than I ever thought possible, and in the midst of all this chaos I'm smiling.  This is my journey, I hope you enjoy!

Keep a lookout for my next post... I promise it will be insightful and if not at least absolutely hilarious!   

Monday, June 4, 2012

He told me too...

Mister and I usually just enjoy our time and conversations together whether it be over the phone or via webcam.  We converse like regular "vanilla" couples.  Our D/s relationship is usually but not confined to text and email in between seeing each other.  So when we were Skyping I had asked him to hold on a minute for me to get a light.  He told me to get the pins while I was at it.  Yes those very same pins from previously.  If you do not know I'm new to the pins and I have a love/hate relationship with them.

Him telling me this excited me and startled me considering he had never previously asked me to do something like this over a webcam.  I just assumed this "part" was saved for in person.  WRONG!

I'm sitting there playing with the pins on my finger tips and being silly... like always.  He's laughing and joking along until his voice changed.  I know that voice and pointed stare, so silly me was no more.  He had my full attention.  I do not think a detailed play by play is in order so I'll sum it up:

Play with your nipples
Good now twist them like I would
Put the pins on
Are you wet yet?
...yes sir.
Good take the pins off and play with yourself

My eyes are closed, and I am completely enjoying myself.  He also cannot see what I am actually doing down there.

"I'm going to come"


Stop? I blinked.  This is the first time he has ever made me stop.  I did though... immediately.  I did not like it and I know my face betrayed my feelings.

I want to see

So I got up took my shorts off and got in a position so he could have better visual access.  He told me to finish....and I did.  I said thank you and we went back to conversing like nothing happened.

He commands, I listen.  How did I feel about this particular occasion? At first I was shy, because I had NEVER done anything of the sort over the internet.  Secondly I was excited because it was different and new.  Finally, sated because coming for him is a lot better than just coming.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Curiosity Killed the Cat

When I started this journey with my very special Mister.  I had a long list of things I thought I would find disagreeable.  Over the course of our time together I am starting to see that these "oh so distressing" acts are not so bad after all.  My limits are obviously coming down.  Not that I have told him no specifically because I would not, but he knows if I do find something not to my liking.

A while back I was informed of an assignment.  I had to find eight pictures related to D/s. Four I liked and four I did not care for.  I had to write why I did or did not like the photographs.  One of these photographs I found completely disagreeable was this:

I had a complete aversion to clothespins.  Maybe it was my obsession with all things needing to be pretty and they just seemed so rustic.  I do know my answer to why was that it looked demeaning.  

Yesterday, like any typical day, we keep in touch through text.  I sent him a picture of a paint stir stick (i think that's what they are called anyway) and four clothes pins on it. These "harmless" objects were just craft supplies.  Here is how our conversation went:

Mister: Shows what's your mind

Me: What's on my mind then Mister? 
Me: These things really aren't that bad 
Me: I take it back!!! 

Mister: Did you put it on your nipple?

Me: Yes sir.  You know curiosity gets the better of me sometimes

Mister: Lmao now take a picture

Now the difference between me not being able to stand them for 1/10 of a second and keeping them on long enough to take a picture is that I knew it made him happy.  Who am I to put limitations on something that is his? 

Eventually I was griping about how bad it hurt and blah blah blah.  But he had asked me why I did it in the first place.  I said because I could tell you liked it.  This is what he said:

Mister: So say it... "I would take it for you if that's what you wanted"

Me: I would take it for you if that's what you wanted

He always has patience and just lets me find myself.  I'm starting to think he's like a spider.  Biding his time, waiting patiently until I have become exactly what he needs.  Then I think that's when the fun will really begin with him.  

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Spring Time Blues

I am finding out in life there are many types of loneliness.  When I was married I was lonely from the neglect of my husband whether it be intimately or emotionally.  Now that he is no longer physically in my home I am now a different sort of lonely.  I do not crave the emotional aspects of a relationship with him, but I do find myself at night wishing he were here just to share a moment or laugh at something we would both find entertaining.  

Then there is TTWD that can make someone very lonely because either their partner will not/cannot/does not. For those of you who have this everyday with your partner, count your blessings.  They love you enough to give you what you need and want.  This is different than the other two because you are alone even when you are not.  You can be surrounded by loved ones who have known you their entire lives and think they know you better than anyone, but they do not.  No one does.  I am not saying all are the same as me, but I do know that I hate being that sort of alone.  

Also, it is not as if someone can announce to their friends they are into a "lifestyle" without some strange looks.  I just avoid those looks with most of my girlfriends by saying my sex life involves a certain degree a kink that I am not discussing. They probably are shocked and their minds are wondering if its anal sex (GASP) or I might have some other strange fetish that is completely disgusting LOL!  Now don't get me wrong some of my friends know a little bit more than that but not in its entirety

I think I might do better with this were a certain someone closer and this be more everyday.  Instead of trying to keep it going long distance.  Sometimes I shut down.  I will close myself off and completely shut down from him and everything else.  It's like I'm on autopilot.  Maybe it's all the emotions I'm dealing with at the moment.  But I digress. 

Maybe I have made my point you can be alone in so many different ways, but how does one fix that? I'm a fixer by nature.  I cannot have things unbalanced.  Everything must be put to rights.  As of late I have felt this unbalance and loneliness and have been questioning everything that is going on in my life.  I know what I need and I know what I want, but how do you go about accomplishing those things without completely disrupting everything on the surface that the outside sees?