Hurt, Anger, and Disappointment

This is always the busiest time of year! Between holidays, finals, and life I have been swamped.  Also this past weekend I had to deal with some long forgotten and shelved emotions.  Which leads me to this post. 

I realized something about myself as a woman as I was over-thinking a very serious financial dilemma with my late fathers estate.  Childhood memories are a very powerful thing.  They can bring back the most awful feelings you thought you had dealt with.  My feelings were the combination of hurt, anger, and disappointment.  They also just so happened to be boiling right under the surface waiting to be let out.  I guess this might explain my "brattiness"  or irritability with anyone and anything.  In any basic psychology course you learn from Freud that you are what you are because of your childhood and parents.  Now we all know Freud was a cocaine addict and was a whole LOT wrong on most of theories. 

The point that I'm getting at is this horrible rage I have pent up inside of me is something I struggle with.  I hold on to the rage as a source of strength, but in return it also is a heavy burden.  My thought process is that if I'm strong I have control, but deep down I'm tired.  I need someone to take the control and just let me be. I also know that letting go of that will be the hardest thing I have ever done.  It will be redefining who I  know myself to be. 

Anger is the most destructive emotion anyone can hold on too.  Its a cancer that eats at your soul.  

Scarlett O'Hara might have been unscrupulous and narcissistic but she's still my favorite heroine.  Probably because I can relate to life just being down right unfair at times.

   

Poetry and Enlightenment

This final assignment I was completing for my last English Lit class briefly covered John Donne's Holy Sonnets.  At first I found these works overwhelming. They were written four hundred years ago and were so very puritan on the surface.

Then hours over repeatedly reading them I started to see them and take them as my own feelings instead of trying to understand his words through his eyes.

Here are a few lines from Holy Sonnet (I) and then tell me what you think:

           Only you are above, and when I can look toward you,
            I rise again
           But our subtle foe so tempts me
           That I cannot sustain myself for one hour.
           Your grace may wing me to prevent his art,
           And you will draw my iron heart toward you like a magnet

There must be something blasphemous about me to turn this man's love for Christ into my own erotic musings.  But isn't love all the same? Having its own hierarchy? there is always someone you will bow down too and hope that love will transcend?

Just a thought ....

And no I did NOT include my personal thoughts on Donne in my paper.  I stuck to the assignment :)

Respect and Manners

Yes Sir, Yes Ma'am, instead of what? huh? eh? you should say Sir? or Ma'am? I even answer my two little girls with ma'am.  Manners are dying.  It was evident to me the other night when I was out with a girlfriend who I had not seen since this summer.  I guess even with my height, wedding ring, and very standoffish body language towards men I must still look juvenile.  I was standing on a patio, chatting with an old friend when I hear "HEY GIRL" no not the "heyyyyyyyyyyy girl" you get when people are trying to hit on you.  This person who was close in age to me and old enough to know better was trying to get my attention by saying "HEY GIRL."  First off I have NOT thought of myself as a girl in a very long time. I'm a grown woman with bills, children, a husband, and life.  So I did what I thought was best, I ignored him.  Until this ill-mannered guy walks over and taps my shoulder and proceeds to ask "Where do I know you from? my girlfriend said you look familiar."  At this point I'm floored at his behavior.  I cannot even get my thoughts in order to speak because I've been so offended.  Thankfully, my old friend, who happens to be a military man steps in. (Thank the Lord for our Troops) He says firstly "She's not a girl and she has a name.  If you do not know that name call her ma'am."

This whole scenario has so much wrong with it.  What guy or man in his right mind just yells across a bunch of people to someone he doesn't know?  Secondly you do NOT put your hands on someone to get their attention.  You clear your  throat and say "excuse me."

While on the subject of manners and respect what happened to men opening doors for women? or holding a door for a woman? or just a person holding a door for another person? I'm only 25 but I do remember when not saying ma'am or sir to someone older than you was disrespectful.  It still is to me. I don't know how many times I have had groceries in one arm and a child on my hip trying to get to my car or house and there be someone standing there just watching me struggle. Regardless of how old a person is or their gender and you see them struggle you should have the common decency to ask if they need help.

God help us all! Not only is chivalry dead but so are manners and respect.

Last Saturday in November

College football.  What could be better? A bunch of young sweaty athletically fit males running around exerting their strength and beating each other down.  Its the ultimate alpha male show down.  To make it even better today is when the Carolina Gamecocks play the Clemson Tigers.  I personally have been a huge Gamecock fan my entire life so I'm hoping they put a hurting on the tigers.  Lets go Cocks!

Love is a Battlefield and a whole lot like football to me anyway- especially between men and women.  

A girlfriend of mine asked me the other day for some man advice.  I am fourteen years younger than my friend but never wanting to let anyone down I said sure.  She's a single mother with one child in college and the other in high school.  Her boyfriend has been divorced for a very long time and does not have children.  They have been seeing each other exclusively for six months but he still will only call her when he feels like it or when it's convenient.  She explained how bad it made it her feel and that it felt almost a one sided relationship. I thought about my words for a moment before I actually said anything.  Then I felt obligated as a woman to tell her she needed to have a little chat with boyfriend ask him where in his life this relationship is a priority, what are his expectations, and then after that is out of the way she needs to answer the same questions she asked.  I also informed her not to be a screeching banshee because most men will go running even after six months if you start the overbearing psycho yelling (even if it is natural for us ladies to do when we're disappointed and hurt.) I also informed her of my own opinion (Sheesh! why can't I stop putting my two cents in??) This man has obviously been single for so long I doubt he can become the family man she wants.  I'm almost positive after six months if he cant return a phone call in twenty-four hours he does NOT have the same ideology about relationships as her.  (Here I did it again, I stuck my foot in it by telling her how I would deal with it) I would tell him what I needed and I didnt think he was it and it was time to move on to the next candidate because life is NOT a rough draft, you only get one shot and waiting around on Mr. Wrong to change is a complete waste of that precious time.

Hopefully I did not screw things up for her too bad- but she did ask my advice.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! and Go Gamecocks!  

The 7 Year Itch

Marilyn Monroe- what a woman.  So ahead of her time and didn't even see it.

This post is about dullness that eventually happens in every relationship.  My dear husband and I have been together for six years.  Two children and a lot of life later I have noticed our desire for each other lessen.  As a woman I can't help but to ask myself things like: Am I different? probably.  Am I not attractive to him anymore? who knows.  

But I do know this: I am not the only woman who feels this way.

SEX - three little letters that scandalize people if spoken aloud.  It is taboo and should be kept in the bedroom and not discussed aloud.  SEX is a big part of a relationship for me and it controls the dynamics of a relationship whether people want to admit it or not.  So here is my dilemma:
                 
                         For as long as I can remember I have been a forward and domineering female.  I enjoy making men cower from me because it proves they arent worthy (in my head anyway) I'm 5'10 and built like a woman should be with curves and meat in the right places.  My husband met me and was head-over-heels so to speak.  He was so sweet and attentive, but he didn't back down from me when I tried to bully him into giving me my way.  Now things are different, he's different or rather indifferent.  So one day I ask him why he was so withdrawn.  His reply, "You emasculate me. I am supposed to be in charge of this family and be 'man of the house'...." and my reply was "show me then, make me." This was not me threatening him or challenging him in that way of territory.  This was me saying I want you to take it away. Put me in my place.  I secretly have always wanted that.  Since that little discussion things have not exactly changed I have attempted to curb my words and ask instead of demand.  But during that exchange I realized something about myself: I want to be dominated the way he wants control, but I believe I have done so much damage over the years that he is left confused.  I see this with our sex life too he is just used to be me being in charge and doing what needs to be done- choosing the positions telling him how to and when to.  What have I done to myself???  and how do I fix it?