Sunday, May 20, 2012

Spring Time Blues

I am finding out in life there are many types of loneliness.  When I was married I was lonely from the neglect of my husband whether it be intimately or emotionally.  Now that he is no longer physically in my home I am now a different sort of lonely.  I do not crave the emotional aspects of a relationship with him, but I do find myself at night wishing he were here just to share a moment or laugh at something we would both find entertaining.  

Then there is TTWD that can make someone very lonely because either their partner will not/cannot/does not. For those of you who have this everyday with your partner, count your blessings.  They love you enough to give you what you need and want.  This is different than the other two because you are alone even when you are not.  You can be surrounded by loved ones who have known you their entire lives and think they know you better than anyone, but they do not.  No one does.  I am not saying all are the same as me, but I do know that I hate being that sort of alone.  

Also, it is not as if someone can announce to their friends they are into a "lifestyle" without some strange looks.  I just avoid those looks with most of my girlfriends by saying my sex life involves a certain degree a kink that I am not discussing. They probably are shocked and their minds are wondering if its anal sex (GASP) or I might have some other strange fetish that is completely disgusting LOL!  Now don't get me wrong some of my friends know a little bit more than that but not in its entirety

I think I might do better with this were a certain someone closer and this be more everyday.  Instead of trying to keep it going long distance.  Sometimes I shut down.  I will close myself off and completely shut down from him and everything else.  It's like I'm on autopilot.  Maybe it's all the emotions I'm dealing with at the moment.  But I digress. 

Maybe I have made my point you can be alone in so many different ways, but how does one fix that? I'm a fixer by nature.  I cannot have things unbalanced.  Everything must be put to rights.  As of late I have felt this unbalance and loneliness and have been questioning everything that is going on in my life.  I know what I need and I know what I want, but how do you go about accomplishing those things without completely disrupting everything on the surface that the outside sees? 

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