Reassurance

She was sitting there thinking about how awkward she felt with her hands and feet restrained with all of her most private parts bared to the world. He had her blind folded, and she was scared to ask what he was doing. Since they began this she always wanted to ask "why" or "what for" but for some tiny reason she just did not dare.  She felt so exposed and extremely insecure about herself down there.  Then she felt him come near her and he gave her a fast hard kiss on the lips.  

He stood there beside her and said, "You know how beautiful you look right now?" 

She only shook her head no.  He was touching the contours of her body ever so softly and not saying a word.  She had goose bumps all over and she was getting so wet.  She was scared it would show the way she was positioned. 

"Don't worry dear its a natural thing for you to get wet for me.  After all I want you wet and wanting," he said in her ear as he rubbed his fingers up and down her slit.  This was the first time she had ever done anything like this.  She felt herself cowering but steeled herself, and knew that she wanted to see this through.  So she just asked him, "What are you going to do?" 

He laughed and walked away from her.  Not an evil laugh, just a laugh that was hiding something.  "Do you remember our conversation a few weeks ago when you said you had always wondered what a riding crop would feel like down there?....  Yes, I can see that you do." She could now hear him rummaging through his things.  She knew it was sassy but she felt like she needed to reiterate what she had actually said, "I said I wondered and didn't necessarily want to try it. I just was curious as to what it felt like.  I don't want you to actually hurt me and I'm scared a riding crop will hurt." 

"I know you really want me to do this or you wouldn't have ever brought it up. You should know by now I would never hurt you.  You do trust me right?"

She only nodded her head.  

"I promise you're really going to enjoy this."

She tensed up knowing it was coming and then it happened.  Were it not for the restraints she would have came off the bed from the shock of it.  There was pain, but a good type of pain.  It felt like cold fire.  It was warm and then it cooled, but the intensity stayed.  This was amazing.  He kept doing it with just enough force to make her squirm and she was so wet that it was dripping now.  

Her breathing was heavy.  She had never been so aroused in her life and then he just stopped.  She could hear herself whining and begging for him not to leave her like that.  She had been reduced to begging, but this was what she wanted.  The torture of not knowing what was next was the most arousing part.

He had been very patient with her over their time getting to know one another.  He never pushed too much because he knew she would get frightened an run.  Never had he made demands of her that she wasn't ready for. He always knew how to sooth her fears. He seemed to enjoy watching her find her own submission. 

He was just wonderful.  

He crawled between her legs and kissed the inside of both of her thighs.  

"Shh...Now I'm going to make it all better." 

At Peace

I have traveled such a long rocky road this last year.  It's funny my life may be in more disarray than before but I am at peace with the way life is turning out.  It's amazing how someone like myself can just be fine with the chaos.  Walking away from something you have dedicated yourself too for years can be both the easiest and most difficult decision.  Out of sheer stubbornness I thought I could will something to what I wanted.  People don't work that way, and even if they did it would not be fair. Now I guess I will actually start my journey through this life.  I've come to see that I have not been living, I have been existing.  It's time to find myself and just be happy.  I don't think feeling sorry for myself is going to fix anything.  I do, however, know that I have a lot of adjusting to do.  Who knows maybe (gasp) it will actually be interesting.

Growing Pains

I can see you in my heart and smile
But can no longer look at you and see your own

I knew you when you were happy
Now I wake beside a lonely stranger

There was once and innocent niave love
In its place now resides a cold indifference

For a moment in time I couldn't live without you
Now with a heavy heart I have let you go

I can see you in my heart and smile
I only wish to look at you and see it again

Change

Over the holidays I took a break....from everything.  Then school started back and the mess that comes with being a mother/student took over.  Well now everything in that department is as it should be.  I realized something while my husband was out of work for three weeks and was at home with me until he started his new job.  Marriage definitely changes people.  Especially if you were married young like we were.  Your twenties are typically for growing and learning blah blah blah and then you grow up, get a big boy/girl job, marry, then come the 2.5 children, and the house with the picket fence.  Well there are those who end up foregoing their growing experience for changing diapers cramming school and taking care of a family.  I'm the latter.

Veering back on topic my husband and I were in bed chatting one night and I said something about how different we were from when we were 19.  We're both 25 now and thinking that six years isn't a big difference is wrong.  I had been raised to stand my ground and be independent from a man and my husband was raised to be the man of the house and his wife to defer to him.  I literally snicker as I write this.  We have butted heads since day one, however, during this adjustment period a little of our views rubbed off on the other.  So now we're at a stand still scared to make a move towards the direction we want our marriage to go.  Pride may have a huge part in it.  Do I, a forward thinking female, want to say, "hubby will you please take me in hand when I need it?" Does he, after years of hearing me rant and rave over how I am equal, want to disrupt this bland albeit comfortable partnership we have finally accomplished?

And you may be thinking how I should just talk to him about this.  Broaching this subject is not easy and the many times I try we are both left confused and frustrated.  Then we go back to our comfortable existence like it was never talked about.  But when I am in a horrible mood snapping at everyone in my line of sight I see his irritation and him wanting to set me straight, but instead he says snide comments to get my ire up.  Compared to four to five years ago he would have fought me and we would have had incredible make up sex.  My my my how that has changed.  We walk away from each other without speaking and go about our own personal business like roommates.

My marriage is slowly sinking and I have no idea what do or say.  I'm scared I will wake up one morning and we will both have the same thought of "whats the point?" I need ... WE need some change. 

Hurt, Anger, and Disappointment

This is always the busiest time of year! Between holidays, finals, and life I have been swamped.  Also this past weekend I had to deal with some long forgotten and shelved emotions.  Which leads me to this post. 

I realized something about myself as a woman as I was over-thinking a very serious financial dilemma with my late fathers estate.  Childhood memories are a very powerful thing.  They can bring back the most awful feelings you thought you had dealt with.  My feelings were the combination of hurt, anger, and disappointment.  They also just so happened to be boiling right under the surface waiting to be let out.  I guess this might explain my "brattiness"  or irritability with anyone and anything.  In any basic psychology course you learn from Freud that you are what you are because of your childhood and parents.  Now we all know Freud was a cocaine addict and was a whole LOT wrong on most of theories. 

The point that I'm getting at is this horrible rage I have pent up inside of me is something I struggle with.  I hold on to the rage as a source of strength, but in return it also is a heavy burden.  My thought process is that if I'm strong I have control, but deep down I'm tired.  I need someone to take the control and just let me be. I also know that letting go of that will be the hardest thing I have ever done.  It will be redefining who I  know myself to be. 

Anger is the most destructive emotion anyone can hold on too.  Its a cancer that eats at your soul.  

Scarlett O'Hara might have been unscrupulous and narcissistic but she's still my favorite heroine.  Probably because I can relate to life just being down right unfair at times.

   

Poetry and Enlightenment

This final assignment I was completing for my last English Lit class briefly covered John Donne's Holy Sonnets.  At first I found these works overwhelming. They were written four hundred years ago and were so very puritan on the surface.

Then hours over repeatedly reading them I started to see them and take them as my own feelings instead of trying to understand his words through his eyes.

Here are a few lines from Holy Sonnet (I) and then tell me what you think:

           Only you are above, and when I can look toward you,
            I rise again
           But our subtle foe so tempts me
           That I cannot sustain myself for one hour.
           Your grace may wing me to prevent his art,
           And you will draw my iron heart toward you like a magnet

There must be something blasphemous about me to turn this man's love for Christ into my own erotic musings.  But isn't love all the same? Having its own hierarchy? there is always someone you will bow down too and hope that love will transcend?

Just a thought ....

And no I did NOT include my personal thoughts on Donne in my paper.  I stuck to the assignment :)

Respect and Manners

Yes Sir, Yes Ma'am, instead of what? huh? eh? you should say Sir? or Ma'am? I even answer my two little girls with ma'am.  Manners are dying.  It was evident to me the other night when I was out with a girlfriend who I had not seen since this summer.  I guess even with my height, wedding ring, and very standoffish body language towards men I must still look juvenile.  I was standing on a patio, chatting with an old friend when I hear "HEY GIRL" no not the "heyyyyyyyyyyy girl" you get when people are trying to hit on you.  This person who was close in age to me and old enough to know better was trying to get my attention by saying "HEY GIRL."  First off I have NOT thought of myself as a girl in a very long time. I'm a grown woman with bills, children, a husband, and life.  So I did what I thought was best, I ignored him.  Until this ill-mannered guy walks over and taps my shoulder and proceeds to ask "Where do I know you from? my girlfriend said you look familiar."  At this point I'm floored at his behavior.  I cannot even get my thoughts in order to speak because I've been so offended.  Thankfully, my old friend, who happens to be a military man steps in. (Thank the Lord for our Troops) He says firstly "She's not a girl and she has a name.  If you do not know that name call her ma'am."

This whole scenario has so much wrong with it.  What guy or man in his right mind just yells across a bunch of people to someone he doesn't know?  Secondly you do NOT put your hands on someone to get their attention.  You clear your  throat and say "excuse me."

While on the subject of manners and respect what happened to men opening doors for women? or holding a door for a woman? or just a person holding a door for another person? I'm only 25 but I do remember when not saying ma'am or sir to someone older than you was disrespectful.  It still is to me. I don't know how many times I have had groceries in one arm and a child on my hip trying to get to my car or house and there be someone standing there just watching me struggle. Regardless of how old a person is or their gender and you see them struggle you should have the common decency to ask if they need help.

God help us all! Not only is chivalry dead but so are manners and respect.