Spring Time Blues

I am finding out in life there are many types of loneliness.  When I was married I was lonely from the neglect of my husband whether it be intimately or emotionally.  Now that he is no longer physically in my home I am now a different sort of lonely.  I do not crave the emotional aspects of a relationship with him, but I do find myself at night wishing he were here just to share a moment or laugh at something we would both find entertaining.  

My Sassy Mouth

My soon to be ex-husband might tell you I'm a bitch, sociopath, manipulative, hurtful, down right mean, and that my words not only sting but can cut.  Hey what can I say I have a sassy mouth and I can be hurtful when provoked.  I learned today (I wasn't provoked in this instance I was just pushing and not realizing it) that some people don't come back and fight fire with fire.  They do the logical thing and put the fire out with water.  They are also not amused by antics.

I had always been able to justify the worst parts of my personality and actions because they were done right back to me.  After I had been given a set down, I felt remorse.  Remorse? I have this in me? I was pouting and felt like a heel.  So I did what was right.  Not just right in the ways of my moral compass, but common human decency. *GASP* I apologized. This is a new development in my personality. Since I usually only say sorry when there is a "but I told you so" right after it.

The part that is so conflicting in my mind is that I liked being told what to do, and how my bad behavior was not going to be put up with.  This conflicts with my outward personality "Don't tell me what to do."  Not buying into my ways and taking the high road may ultimately lead me to be a better person.  We shall see ....

Oh how the mighty have fallen at just a few words.

When Fantasy Becomes a Reality

Him and I just click and seem to have this understanding of each other that I have never had with anyone else.  You guessed it he's the D to my s.  Now as we had corresponded for quite some time, long before things had even came to a mutual attraction, he was my confidante.  So he knows the things about me that I tell no one.  He knows what a dirty little mind I have, but I do not think he really knew how bad I wanted this. I think he thought I had an idea and that idea turned me on, but what when fantasy becomes reality? Just because the thought of a man dominating you in every way turns you on doesn't necessarily mean you will like it when he's spanking your ass.  (I mean this from a beginners point of view as I am completely new to this)

Was I apprehensive in my approach to this? Yes.  What smart girl wouldn't be? Was I nervous? Very.  Did I finally get past the nerves and apprehension to finally see the person I became so attached too? Yes.

So to tell you that when my fantasy became my reality it was so much more than what I wanted in my head.  I became so much more.  I couldn't really truly see myself begging anyone for anything.  But there I was, at the point of tears for him to keep doing things to me that might make another person blush.  To be honest I think it shocked him for he knew I was new to this.  He firmly but gently put me in my new found subspace.  What a place it is! Everything that I can never let go of, everything that keeps me up at night was gone.  It was just pure bliss.  I had never wanted to give so much to another individual like this.  Whatever he wanted, I wanted.  I trusted his judgement and trusted him with me.  I have never been able to do that with someone.  

I learned also this, all of this, is more than just kink.  There is devotion, affection, trust, and the kink.

Thank you Mr. Wonderful xoxo

Also this gal has developed a natural affinity to spanking.  

Reassurance

She was sitting there thinking about how awkward she felt with her hands and feet restrained with all of her most private parts bared to the world. He had her blind folded, and she was scared to ask what he was doing. Since they began this she always wanted to ask "why" or "what for" but for some tiny reason she just did not dare.  She felt so exposed and extremely insecure about herself down there.  Then she felt him come near her and he gave her a fast hard kiss on the lips.  

He stood there beside her and said, "You know how beautiful you look right now?" 

She only shook her head no.  He was touching the contours of her body ever so softly and not saying a word.  She had goose bumps all over and she was getting so wet.  She was scared it would show the way she was positioned. 

"Don't worry dear its a natural thing for you to get wet for me.  After all I want you wet and wanting," he said in her ear as he rubbed his fingers up and down her slit.  This was the first time she had ever done anything like this.  She felt herself cowering but steeled herself, and knew that she wanted to see this through.  So she just asked him, "What are you going to do?" 

He laughed and walked away from her.  Not an evil laugh, just a laugh that was hiding something.  "Do you remember our conversation a few weeks ago when you said you had always wondered what a riding crop would feel like down there?....  Yes, I can see that you do." She could now hear him rummaging through his things.  She knew it was sassy but she felt like she needed to reiterate what she had actually said, "I said I wondered and didn't necessarily want to try it. I just was curious as to what it felt like.  I don't want you to actually hurt me and I'm scared a riding crop will hurt." 

"I know you really want me to do this or you wouldn't have ever brought it up. You should know by now I would never hurt you.  You do trust me right?"

She only nodded her head.  

"I promise you're really going to enjoy this."

She tensed up knowing it was coming and then it happened.  Were it not for the restraints she would have came off the bed from the shock of it.  There was pain, but a good type of pain.  It felt like cold fire.  It was warm and then it cooled, but the intensity stayed.  This was amazing.  He kept doing it with just enough force to make her squirm and she was so wet that it was dripping now.  

Her breathing was heavy.  She had never been so aroused in her life and then he just stopped.  She could hear herself whining and begging for him not to leave her like that.  She had been reduced to begging, but this was what she wanted.  The torture of not knowing what was next was the most arousing part.

He had been very patient with her over their time getting to know one another.  He never pushed too much because he knew she would get frightened an run.  Never had he made demands of her that she wasn't ready for. He always knew how to sooth her fears. He seemed to enjoy watching her find her own submission. 

He was just wonderful.  

He crawled between her legs and kissed the inside of both of her thighs.  

"Shh...Now I'm going to make it all better." 

At Peace

I have traveled such a long rocky road this last year.  It's funny my life may be in more disarray than before but I am at peace with the way life is turning out.  It's amazing how someone like myself can just be fine with the chaos.  Walking away from something you have dedicated yourself too for years can be both the easiest and most difficult decision.  Out of sheer stubbornness I thought I could will something to what I wanted.  People don't work that way, and even if they did it would not be fair. Now I guess I will actually start my journey through this life.  I've come to see that I have not been living, I have been existing.  It's time to find myself and just be happy.  I don't think feeling sorry for myself is going to fix anything.  I do, however, know that I have a lot of adjusting to do.  Who knows maybe (gasp) it will actually be interesting.

Growing Pains

I can see you in my heart and smile
But can no longer look at you and see your own

I knew you when you were happy
Now I wake beside a lonely stranger

There was once and innocent niave love
In its place now resides a cold indifference

For a moment in time I couldn't live without you
Now with a heavy heart I have let you go

I can see you in my heart and smile
I only wish to look at you and see it again

Change

Over the holidays I took a break....from everything.  Then school started back and the mess that comes with being a mother/student took over.  Well now everything in that department is as it should be.  I realized something while my husband was out of work for three weeks and was at home with me until he started his new job.  Marriage definitely changes people.  Especially if you were married young like we were.  Your twenties are typically for growing and learning blah blah blah and then you grow up, get a big boy/girl job, marry, then come the 2.5 children, and the house with the picket fence.  Well there are those who end up foregoing their growing experience for changing diapers cramming school and taking care of a family.  I'm the latter.

Veering back on topic my husband and I were in bed chatting one night and I said something about how different we were from when we were 19.  We're both 25 now and thinking that six years isn't a big difference is wrong.  I had been raised to stand my ground and be independent from a man and my husband was raised to be the man of the house and his wife to defer to him.  I literally snicker as I write this.  We have butted heads since day one, however, during this adjustment period a little of our views rubbed off on the other.  So now we're at a stand still scared to make a move towards the direction we want our marriage to go.  Pride may have a huge part in it.  Do I, a forward thinking female, want to say, "hubby will you please take me in hand when I need it?" Does he, after years of hearing me rant and rave over how I am equal, want to disrupt this bland albeit comfortable partnership we have finally accomplished?

And you may be thinking how I should just talk to him about this.  Broaching this subject is not easy and the many times I try we are both left confused and frustrated.  Then we go back to our comfortable existence like it was never talked about.  But when I am in a horrible mood snapping at everyone in my line of sight I see his irritation and him wanting to set me straight, but instead he says snide comments to get my ire up.  Compared to four to five years ago he would have fought me and we would have had incredible make up sex.  My my my how that has changed.  We walk away from each other without speaking and go about our own personal business like roommates.

My marriage is slowly sinking and I have no idea what do or say.  I'm scared I will wake up one morning and we will both have the same thought of "whats the point?" I need ... WE need some change.